“I’m So Sorry Mom”
My youngest daughter, Emily, is in New York at a Broadway Intensive Camp this week. Two nights before she was to leave, she experienced a panic attack that took her down. Emily ended up going to bed for the rest of the night. Several times she said, "I'm so sorry, Mom. She also said as she fell asleep, "I'm feeling discouraged."
Emily has a goal to perform on Broadway in New York. It has been her dream. She works on her singing all hours of the day and mainly in the middle of the night. She is one of three of my daughters who deals with anxiety and panic attacks. Each of these precious daughters can be larger than life one minute, and then hiding in their rooms from being overwhelmed the next minute. They experience a roller coaster of emotions. I am so proud of the amazing things they have accomplished in their lives despite their daily battles with sustaining mental balance.
I have contemplated asking God why these beautiful girls will have to carry this burden throughout their lives, yet I have never taken that opportunity. While it doesn't seem fair, these girls have had the chance to inspire others towards greatness.
My youngest daughter said, "Mom, I can't imagine who I would be without having anxiety. It is part of who I am and helps me empathize with others who struggle.” I agree, and I think her struggles keep her close to God.
One common effect of severe anxiety is the need to have personal time alone. Emily calls it "recharging her social battery." Another one of my daughters mentioned that she didn't want to meet many new people because it was hard enough to be with the people she is with every day.
Attending public events with large congregations is especially challenging for those suffering from anxiety (often due to trauma). This includes attending performances, movies, sporting events, and church events.
Since I was a young mother, I decided that if my kids were not feeling well enough to attend church, I would stay home with them. My place was with them.
This policy brought on new meaning when my youngest daughter found herself experiencing high anxiety at church. We know she is not faking because one time, I brought her home from a Broadway performance of “Wicked” only after she had watched 15 minutes of the first act.
Was I angry with her? No. How can you be mad at someone doing their best to survive after having experienced a near drowning, epilepsy, excessive, grand mal seizures, and quite a bit of bullying by fellow students and adults?
Many people don't understand anxiety's debilitating effects. For example, if you deal with panic and anxiety, when someone comes quickly towards you to embrace you and speaking in a loud and exciting voice-it can be overwhelming. Usually, this would be enjoyable, but I have learned with my daughters that I must take a gentle approach and wait for them to allow me into their space.
One year, when my daughter was around 13, she explained that how she has learned to deal with anxiety is between herself and God.
It is always a memorable day when she shares beautiful and empowering experiences with me. I have seen many times that these daughters who struggle with panic and anxiety walk with God and allow him to buffer their difficult moments.
So going back to my daughter's experience before she left for New York, I told her that she never needs to apologize for having anxiety. Communicating honestly with others when you are overwhelmed is more important so they can help you work through difficult times.
The members of my church put out a song. I love the message in the chorus.
Lead me, guide me, Walk beside me, Help me find the way, Teach me all that I must do to live with him someday.
Sometimes my daughters need someone to walk with them. I can walk with them. It is my honor as their mother to be trusted by them.
If anxiety is present in your family, find ways to embrace the moments you share as you work through struggles together. There will always be better days ahead. Today, I just received photos from my husband of my daughter enjoying herself in New York. I'm sure she will need extra Tylenol and lots of Gatorade, and when she returns, and I'm sure she will take at least a week in her bedroom alone to recharge her social battery.
